I was grocery shopping the other day when I saw a child bad mouthing and yelling at his mom. I felt saddened not just by the child’s demeanor but by how indifferent the mom was at her son’s unacceptable behavior.
Back in the day, that child would have been severely disciplined as a way to teach him a lesson and rectify his behavior.
What Parenting Style Is Best?
There’s been a heated debate as to what sort of parenting style is best for kids in today’s era. Some are advocating for a more compassionate and gentle approach to parenting–otherwise called the gentle parenting style which is slowly gaining traction, especially in well-off countries.
There is, however, a caveat to this type of parenting: Kids can be especially unruly that it takes a herculean effort, patience, and determination in order to get this right. The absence of serious consequences to kids’ repulsive behavior is also a bit problematic.
On the other hand, we also don’t want to be too authoritarian in our approach as being too strict and overbearing can undermine our kids’ sense of self -worth— making them feel unloved, demeaned, and unappreciated.
What can parents do? There should be a middle ground for these two opposing extremes.
The solution according to a child psychologist: An authoritative approach to parenting.
What Is Authoritative Parenting?
A method for raising children that takes into account the needs of each child while maintaining rules, respecting boundaries, and encouraging children to meet expectations.
As a result, parents can foster discipline and set limits without destroying their children’s self-esteem and confidence, which is key to raising children with a positive self-image.
Authoritative parenting is touted as the best parenting style based on a study conducted by developmental psychologist, Diana Blumberg Baumrind. She believed that authoritative parenting (not the same as authoritarian parenting) is way more effective for raising well-rounded and emotionally intelligent children.
It is a parenting approach considered ideal by Baumrind because “it strikes the right balance between discipline and independence.”
Diana Baumrind’s Extensive Study on Different Parenting Styles
Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist, conducted an extensive study and research on the three commonly used parenting methodologies.
In her study, she observed that preschoolers displayed distinct types of behavior, each of which was tied to a particular parenting style.
Her observation led her to conclude that “different parenting styles can lead to different child development and outcomes.”
What Are the Four Parenting Styles?
Diana Baumrind only tackled three parenting methods, but later on, Stanford researchers; Eleonor Maccoby and John Martin introduced the fourth one, the uninvolved or neglectful parenting style.
- Authoritative
- Authoritarian
- Permissive or Indulgent
- Uninvolved or Neglectful
Authoritative Parenting Style and Outcomes
Pros
1. Positive self-concept
Research published in 2012 shows authoritative parents successfully raised children with a more positive self-image and a healthy sense of self-esteem.
That being the case, these children had a much better quality of life than those raised by authoritarian and permissive parents.
2. Personal responsibility
Parent’s willingness to give the child a certain degree of freedom while holding him accountable for his wrong choices prompts the child to act more responsibly, empowering him to make wise decisions.
3. Good leadership qualities
Children raised by authoritative parents tend to possess the salient qualities of an effective leader, such as independence, accountability, resilience, wise decision-making, and respect for others.
4. Tactful and diplomatic
Authoritative parents discipline their children, not with violence or threats. They engage their children in a dialogue when correcting them for bad behavior.
[For example, they explain to their kids why a certain behavior is unacceptable and why they should face the consequences of their actions.]
As a result, children have a more calm demeanor and exhibit less violent tendencies. They are more likely to respect boundaries and engage in a peaceful dialogue when resolving conflicts.
5. Respect for others
Children who are trained and allowed to verbalize emotions calmly grow up to be more respectful of other people’s opinions.
6. They are generally happy and self-assured
A solid set of social skills, a healthy sense of self-respect, and higher academic success will enable them to live happier life.
Cons
1. Authoritative parenting requires a lot of patience and effort, as parents must do a balancing act in instilling discipline while being cautious not to destroy their children’s self-esteem and sense of autonomy.
2. While child development specialists recommend authoritative parenting as the most effective in raising exceptional kids, not all children will always respond positively to this parenting style.
Therefore, it is advisable to make certain adjustments when necessary.
How Does an Authoritative Parent Affect a Child’s Self-Esteem?
Authoritative parents still demonstrate nurturing skills even when imposing moderate parental control.
This balancing act of being strict and being cautious not to ruin their kids’ self-esteem can help children to develop a positive self-image based on a study.
Positive Effect on Child’s Academic Performance
Child development specialists consider authoritative parenting as the best approach to providing the best environment for your child to thrive and achieve academic success based on a research study and survey conducted on 290 participants.
How to Implement Authoritative Parenting Style
1. Set a good example.
We will not command respect and obedience from our children if we ourselves are not complying with the rules we have set for them to follow.
[Ex. Respect elders, squeeze a tube of toothpaste from the bottom, make the bed first thing in the morning, pray before meals, etc.]
2. Calmly explain to your kids why they need to do a certain task.
Doing so will make them realize that you have their best interest at heart, making them even more likely to obey you.
3. The consequence for disobedience must be commensurate with the gravity of the offense.
When imposing consequences for not respecting boundaries, we must ensure that they are fair and justified; otherwise, our children will hold grudges and rebel against us.
4. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and emotions.
Let him know you understand how he feels but make him understand why facing the consequences of his actions is a necessary disciplinary step to transform his behavior for the better.
5. Allow them to have certain freedoms to make decisions on their own
Enabling them to make decisions will help boost their self-confidence.
But in doing so, let us also be selective about what sort of decisions they can make; for example, letting them choose the color of the dress they want to wear is okay but allowing them to decide how many hours in a day they can watch cartoon movies is not acceptable.
6. Never resort to violence or threats when disciplining your child.
It may upset some parents, but personally, the farthest I can go in disciplining a child is a swat on the bottom ( It must only be done as a last resort, and no bare bottom spanking, please. )
A child psychologist, George Holden, agrees that an “occasional spank” might not have a long-term negative effect on a child “unless it was so hard it resulted in child abuse or injury.”
To understand the risks involved, here is a helpful article explaining how this form of discipline should be handled.
I believe that children must have a moderate level of fear towards their parents to get them to respect boundaries. Nonetheless, we must refrain from inflicting intolerable physical pain and distress on children as a way to manage difficult behavior and defiance.
7. Be firm and consistent when setting limits and consequences for unacceptable behavior
Never cave in to your child’s unreasonable demands. Set healthy expectations and require your child to live up to them.
Failure to comply with rules and refusal to face corresponding consequences for bad behavior may result in further disciplinary action. [ Reducing the number of hours he spends watching tv for the whole week, etc.]
Key Takeaway
Following the advice of experts is a must, but we also need to assess the specific needs of our children when deciding what parenting style to use.
We must not stop learning and applying valuable parenting ideas until we discover what child-rearing strategies work best for our kids.
You can use one parenting style or a combination of two parenting methodologies. It all depends on the situation you’re in and the unique needs of your child.
But whatever parenting style we choose to adopt, we should never resort to physical and verbal abuse in disciplining children.
Note: Information provided here should not be used for self-diagnosis or as a substitute for medical advice. If your child is exhibiting behavioral challenges, it is advisable to consult with a healthcare professional for appropriate guidance and support.
Baumrind, D. (2013). Authoritative parenting revisited: History and current status. In R. E. Larzelere, A. Sheffield, & A. W. Harrist (Eds.), Authoritative parenting: Synthesizing nurturance and discipline for optimal child development. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.